46 Cartons

I just moved into my new condo

Packing is such a laborious task
Picking up your life
all your important things
judging their worth
and keeping or discarding them

So I played judge and jury
on all my belongings
and those lucky enough to live
were lovingly packed away in boxes
and the rest were ruthlessly thrown in the garbage

Once I had all my precious belongings in boxes
I took stock...
46 cartons

My whole life fits in 46 cartons

46 cartons
about 10 square feet
and 10 square feet of the earth
is what I take up

From that perspective
everything I work so hard for
amounts to 46 cartons
it seems like I should have more

You like to think of yourself as important
but when you see the sum of your life fit neatly
into 46 cartons
all of sudden, you're not so important

In a way, when all your shit is packed around you
in neat little boxes
you get very territorial
like a fish guarding her nest
"get away"...
"this is my stuff"
"this 10 square feet of pathetic belongings are MINE"
"this is me.. all of me"
"this is all I have!"

You seem so small
so insignificant
when your whole world is packed into boxes

46 cartons
my life fits into 46 cartons

Life Isn't Fair - The Story of Danny Joe

So I have this friend
I'll call him Danny Joe

One day Danny Joe comes leaping out of the closet
like a fag-in-the-box
and what happens...?

He meets this wonderful guy
who's very successful
smart
witty
and on and on and on

yeah yeah
OK so he meets this great guy
and BOOM
they fall in love and live happily ever after

that was 6 years ago

out of the closet
and into the white picket fence

Now, I'm very happy for him
to be sure

but at the same time
I feel deprived
cheated

You see I never got to be that friend
you know, the one who gets the late night phone calls
those desperate, I've got a knife to my throat
sobbing phone calls
you know the ones... yeah those

No no no
Everything worked out perfect for him
and again
I'm very happy for him

BUT

Why did everything work out so perfect
for him the first time around?
That's not fair
It's just not fair I tell you

The rest of us had to
have our chests ripped open
with our hearts kicked into the gutter
and mashed into the cold cement
and topped off with salt

but not Danny Joe

instead, he gets the phone call
from me... like I haven't had my fair share
yeah I ended up calling his perfect ass
sobbing and devastated
at midnight or one am or whenever

He must have had a field day
telling me to put the gun down
to stay out of the medicine cabinet
and on and on

I'm glad I was able
to give him the satisfaction
of consoling me on more than one occasion
but come on...

When is it going to be my turn?
Part of being a friend is seeing them
go through HELL and back
and helping them take what's left
of their tattered souls and
mending them back together

I never got to do that for Danny Joe
and, once again
while I'm very happy for him.....

but if it should happen one day
God forbid ...
I'll be here
waiting for him
to come home
and mend him back together
just like a good friend would

The Old Woman

The other day I was riding the L to work
(that's Chicago's subway system for those of you in California)
Nothing unusual about that...

I do it everyday
Same time
Same train
Same seat
Same everything

This day however was a little different

You see there was this old woman on the train
I had never seen her before
she appeared to be a cleaning woman
she was very old and seemed very much alone
the years had worn hard on her
was she 60 or 80 yrs. old?
she seemed very sad, beaten down
like life had taken everything from her

I couldn't stop looking at her
I started wondering

what was she like as a young woman?
was she beautiful?
did she like to dance? was she fun?
was she ever married?
was she ever in love? who with?
were they happy?
what happened to her?
does anyone love her now?
what were her dreams?
where did they fall apart?

I felt a certain compassion for her
this old woman who seemingly had nothing
I wanted to sit next to her and tell her
that I thought she was something
and I wanted to hear her life story
and tell her something that would be good
but I didn't know what I would say

The train came to my stop
and I got up and left
but I stopped and looked at her
as the train moved on

I went about my normal routine
but I kept thinking about this old woman
too bad she will never know
that she touched me
maybe she changed my life somehow

For now I feel like making my life
worth living for however long it lasts
I don't want to be that old man on the train someday
If I can't change my own life for the better
maybe I can change someone else's

Just like she did - just now

Who is the stronger one?

So who is the stronger person?

The one who always wins
or
The one who has lost and gotten back up again?

The Homo Church

Why is the Catholic Church so anti-gay?

That has confused me from day one. In case you haven't noticed, especially non-Catholics, the Church is FULL of homos. The Church is a homo-organization. There are more homos in the Church than there are in most gay bars on a Saturday night.

Why gay men join the Church is beyond me. That's like black people joining the KKK.

So these gay men, whom I believe join the Church because they have been tought to hate themselves, join an organization that teaches intolerance, hatred and bigotry towards gays as a way of self punishment and "penance"? Perhaps.

The problem is this, you cannot change yourself. You are what you are. I believe whether you are gay or straight is a matter of genetics. It certainly isn't a choice. And since it is the way you were made, the Church should accept it as the way God made you for it must have a purpose and be good.

Who the hell would choose to be gay? First, you would have to choose before you even know much about life or sex. Second, you would have to choose a way of life that you already know is not popular or tolerated. You've heard the jokes, jeers and insults, yet you would have to choose it anyways. And third, you would have to choose to be a target of those insults and even violence or live a life of secrecy and self-denial. Now, how many people would deliberately choose that? Wouldn't you want to be "normal" and accepted instead?

I know I did not choose it. It is what I am. It is how I was born. I knew it before I even knew what it was and before I even understood sex. And I believe that it is that way for everyone. Straight people do not go "gay" and gay people do not go straight. With that said, some gay people choose to act straight because they're ashamed and in denial. But in the end, it will catch up with you and you must come to terms with it and accept it or it will devour you and you will never be truly happy. You cannot deny something that fundamental to your being without ill effect in the long run. I have seen it proven over and over again. It might take years but it will happen and the false house you build will come crashing down. I have seen it happen so many times, it's not funny at all, it's tragic and it ruins people's lives. How many gay men have a story about that 'straight' married guy?

Now, back to the homo Church. I believe these self-hating gay men join the Church as a means of denial and because of guilt, based on their beliefs. However, in the end, it does catch up to them and it manifests itself in many ways.

They may become vehement anti-homosexuals. If they can't have it, nobody can and they will not accept something they can never have and can never accept of themselves. They turn it into evil, into something abhorent and equate it to pedophilia, bestiality and the downfall of civilization as we know it. The acceptance of two gay people as a loving couple is like accepting Satan as your lord and master.

Or their denied and repressed impulses may become magnified and turned into perverted needs that some then take out on those they can maniplate, the young. Remember, little girls have nothing to fear from the Catholic Church, only boys.

Or, more commonly, they act on their sinful impulses outside the Church anyways, only to come back and preach against them on Sunday. How many gay men have a story about some guy in a seminary they met in a secret place? More than you think.

These men may become victims of alcohol or some other self-abusive practice as a way to deal with their unhappiness and unacceptance of that which they cannot change no matter how hard they try. For they know it is really true, they are really gay.

Not all priests are gay. Most of them are but not all of them. Why a man of God would choose to join such a bigoted and intolerant organization is beyond me but some priests are straight and the Church simply justifies a point of view they may already have.

There are moderate priests who may believe they can change the Church to accept homosexuality as the way some people are, and thus bring upon themselves some sort of acceptance. They would have better luck changing the rotation of the Earth but I guess they feel they have to try.

I went to Catholic schools and I know my gay-dar was going off way more than it should have among many of the brothers that taught us. There was no way I was going to be an altar boy. While many altar boys never have anything happen to them, I always felt vulnerable because I was always obvious and afraid it could be exploited. Straight men have no gay-dar and are thus oblivious many times, but mine was ringing loud many many times.

It's not just that they were gay but there was something wrong with their "gayness". Like it was an angry gay, an ugly gay, a scary gay. I think that's when I began to question the Church. That's when a hypocrisy began to be visible. This isn't the word of God, it's the word of sick men, self-hating men. If they can turn this into faith, what else is a pile of crap?

Well, hopefully you enjoyed the spectacle of the pomp and circumstance at the Vatican lately. I tell you these guys can put the Birdcage to shame with those robes, hats and jewelry. Only fags can create that much of a spectacle.

Caller Unknown

So I'm walking down the street and my cell phone rings...

"unknown caller"

Unknown caller? Do I want to get that?
I don't know any unknown callers

"unknown caller"
OK OK
curiosity gets the best of me

"mushi mushi"
"Hi Bryan, it's me Karl"
"Karl?"
"Yeah, remember me? We dated a few years ago"

Stopped in my tracks...

"Yeah, Karl, Wow, what a surprise"
"So Bryan, how have you been?"
Now, what am I supposed to say at this point to an ex I haven't heard from in forever?
Someone whose number I deleted from my phone a long time ago.
Does he really want to know how I've been?
Am I supposed to say..
"Well, after our breakup, I went into a clinical depression but pills really do perk you right up. Unfortunately, the scars on my wrists are permanent...."

So I say what everyone says...
"I'm doing great thanks, and you?" Ouch. Big mistake.
I definately should not have asked that. I really don't care anymore.
"Wonderful, I started my own business, bought a big house and am in town for a conferance"
"Great, yeah, that's...great"
"I was wondering if you wanted to get together tonight over tea"
Well, at least he remembered I don't drink coffee
But I didn't want to get together at all
I didn't even want to continue this phone conversation

"Oh Karl, that sounds great, but unfortunately I've got an engagement tonight"
"Darn, anything you can reschedule?"

Think fast... unfortunately I'm not good at lying
The first three things that popped in my head were
1) giving a speech at Survivors Anonymous
2) doing a poetry reading
3) my chemotherapy is tonight
If I had a few more seconds time, I probably could have thought of something better

"No, I'm doing a poetry reading tonight"
"Wow, I would really like to go and hear you, where is it at?"
Crap! Where do I take this lie?
"Oh I wish you could, unfortunately it sold out a few days ago"
"They charge for that now?"
"Uh yeah, Chicago is not like LA I guess"

"Damn, that's really disappointing. I really wanted to see you tonight"
"Well, there's always next time Karl, maybe I'll look you up next time I'm in LA"
Careful careful, don't make any promises you can't keep
Don't fall for the sweet talk, you know that's you're weakness....

"Well, seeing you is one of the reasons I came to Chicago for this conferance, and go over old times together"
Old times? Those were excruciating times for me. He couldn't even see that.
"I'm really sorry it didn't work out Karl"
"Well, give me a call the next time you're in LA, I've been thinking things over"
Oh oh, quick get the hell out of here
Remember, he's a self-serving jerk, fly away, fly away
"Hey Karl, my train is coming in, I gotta run"
"OK Bryan, maybe we can hook up sometime, bye"

Whew! Then I started thinking... stop thinking, stop thinking!
Why would he call me after all this time?
What did he want? Restart something? Booty call? What?
And what exactly was he thinking over? What a jerk he turned out to be?
Did he really start his own business? Is he successful now?
And what happened to that M-imbo he was going out with?
And how did he get my Chicago number?
Which one of my friends do I have to kill?

Doesn't he know that once you're deleted from the phone book you no longer exist?
Why would you call someone after a few years?
I have a new so-called life and the scars have since healed
Why open them up again?

Of course I know that he's a completely selfish person with no regard for anyone but himself. I'm sure my sensitivities didn't even occur to him. He probably didn't even give them a second thought. He was trying to play me. You heard it for yourself. It's all about him, it's always been about him. I'm sure after hanging up he went down the list and found someone else to call. What a jerk.

So I looked at the number on my cell phone call list and hit "erase"
I guess you could say I "won" but it isn't about winning or losing
It's just about moving on and living and hopefully learning something along the way
I went on and apparently he's still the same, a loser
He may never realize it but that doesn't change it
At least he will be someone else's problem now, not mine

For me, he's a skeleton in my closet
Someone from whom I learned something about myself from
that I'm stronger than him and always was
He's a footnote, a ghost
He's a "caller unknown"